Energy… The Newtonian law of Conservation states that “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only converted from on form to another.”
Why am I speaking of energy with regard to relationships? It is because all relationships be they platonic, monogamous, straight, gay, or polyamorous, all require some level of energy. “You get back what you put in”.
Compared to established, long-term relationships, the level of energy in a new relationship is incredibly quite fucking high. (That’s not to say an established, long-term relationship does not require any energy, it’s just different).
That’s where this entry today is ultimately coming from… How the amount of time, and energy (or lack of each) resulted in the wreckage and carnage of emotions. There just wasn’t enough time and energy to get that plane off the ground.
My wife introduced me to A back in August at a birthday party for a mutual friend and we hit it off immediately. The problem is we live in different states and, knowing this, we tried to work with it. We saw each other when I got back from vacation and had a great weekend and time together. We started making plans for how we could see each other when I visited Tx and even making plans for A to come to Co. An opportunity arose to come back to Tx for a weekend where we had a great time at her house on “game night” with a bunch of friends playing Cards Against Humanity. Then A came up for the long-planned weekend. We seemed to be working around the confines of the long distance relationship and 800 miles.
And then… there was “the Sunday from Hell”. No details but it involved some hurt feelings, a lot a miscommunication and a meltdown by yours truly where I was a bit as an ass. (no, quite a big fucking ass). I returned to CO with my hurt feelings and into the arms of my friend Y.
Y and I had only been going out for a short time in CO and were still definitely in the “defining” stages of our relationship but, at this particular juncture, and she was working through some issues with her long-time boyfriend. We became sounding boards for each other, good friends to comfort each other. And, our friendship and relationship strengthened. I found myself spending more and more time with her. That meant less time for A in Tx even on the phone.
At the same time, A’s long time boyfriend E realized he could spend more time with her (aka long weekends) so they draw closer and rekindle their relationship.
The results of all this is that there just wasn’t time or energy to devote to building on what A and I had started. I could see the writing on the wall as our communication slowly petered away. And, since this last weekend was both A’s and my wife J’s I had been looking forward to seeing A. But I knew, I could sense it.
Last night A and I went to dinner to talk about the awkwardness of the last few weeks, the distance that seemed to creep in so fuckingly quiet-like. And just like that, the energy that was there 3 months ago, lifting us up off the ground was gone. We tried to pull up, but it was too late and we came crashing to the ground, emotions ripped apart left severed on the ground in the twisted wreckage of passion. The damage too sever to even triage. Casualties: 2.
Don’t get me wrong. I am not bitter. Yes, I am hurt and left with the sting of an ended relationship. But, not like other relationships past. This is more like the loss of “what could have been”.
Yet at the same time, that energy that was lost on take-off was transformed into other energy. Y and I are going much stronger. My relationship with my wife is much stronger.
Now, just like the laws of physics, energy has not been lost or destroyed just transformed.
Depravity, Debauchery and More 