Archive for the ‘The word “Fuck”’ Category

Well my Fellow Fuckers, it’s been awhile. Work keeps fucking up my life! Going to try to get back in the swing of things here.

Well guess what? I came out as polyamorous to my mom and sister last weekend. I wasn’t so worried about talking about it to my sister. She’s pretty open since 3 of her cousins are gay, her best friend (a guy) is gay and was her “matron of honor” at her wedding.

Because of that I started my “outing” with her to try to gauge how our mom would feel. As expected, my little sis was fine with it. Actually, she is still upset that my son beat her to the punch at getting married and presenting our mom with the first (and second) great-grandchild.

So onto Mom…
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts she’s not exactly the open-minded sort. She’s your typical Bible-thumping, going to Hell, conservative so I was expecting a bit of a fight. Her comment was “Well, I don’t approve but your my son and I love you”.

I could have let it go at that but then she called my sister later on “crying” that she was “sad because of my life choices”.

Well Ms. Bible Thumper, I have a question for you. If your god created us in “his image” and created us as we are: straight, gay, lesbian, trans, poly, etc… then why is it “making a choice”? Why would he create us as we are and then hand down a set of rules that contradict how we are created? Seems a bit hypocritical to me to say “I’m going to make you gay, but don’t be attracted to men” or “You’re a sexual mammal, don’t have sex for pleasure”.

You want to believe a super natural being created the universe and all of us in it, that’s fine. But when you start imposing man-made structure around it and laws around how to live, or to dispute fact, then get the fuck out of my life.

Me and my big fucking mouth! I’m in the midst of moving and I said one of the stupidest things I could have ever fucking said.

Actual fucking temperature!

Actual fucking temperature!

The buyers wanted to close today so I’ve been frantically packing up the house for the last several weeks. The plan was to get it all packed and staged, then on Groundhog Day/Super Bowl weekend, back the truck up to the house, load the fuck out of it and haul ass to storage. But the weekend before the move I commented to HellCat “Wow, I can’t believe it’s the end of January and there’s no snow on the ground”. Well Fuck My Life!

Thursday before the move it started to snow. And not the “ooh, there’s a 1/2 inch of pretty white stuff” that paralyzes any state south of the Mason fucking Dixon line. This was Colorado upslope, close to a foot of the white powdery kind of fucking snow! Then it got fucking cold.

What most people don’t understand about Colorado and snow and cold is this: It’s a DRY cold. And, unlike most of the country, once the sun comes out the snow just fucking disappears! But, I have a steep fucking driveway and half of it is shaded by these giant, fucking lodgepole pine trees.

So here I am last Saturday morning with my 17′ UHaul truck with rear-wheel drive and a 13% grade covered with snow. I’ve managed that daunting task before in my old front-wheel Escape but this was like trying to maneuver a snowboard with a giant box attached to the back of it UPHILL!

It took a plow, 180 pounds of salt and two days of sunshine (it never got above freezing the whole time) for enough of the snow to melt, sublimate, or just disappear before I could get the truck all the way up the driveway. I managed to get 2 loads in Monday. So thank you buyers from hell for needing to push out the closing date because there was no fucking way I was going to be completely out by today.

And guess what? That was the WARM period. It dropped to 14 below zero yesterday. That’s not Celsius my Fellow Fuckers, that’s Fahrenheit! I haven’t seen anything above 0 for almost 48 hours! But, I’ll take it. Unlike that southern state I grew up in, it’s only cold like this for a day or so which makes it tolerable. When it gets hot in that southern state, it doesn’t fucking cool off until November! It stays fucking hot for 6 months with little respite.

So yeah, it’s been a bit of a fucking pain in the fucking ass but that’s been more the snow than the cold.

 
Actual fucking temperature!

Ok, earlier I blogged about how the latest Android update was fucking with my autocorrect and replacing ordinary words with raunchier words. Things like “programs” to “orgasms”, “reaction” to “rectum” or “erection”. (It’s still at it by the way. Texted MS yesterday saying “the contractor is here”. Instead I sent “the vibrator is here” WTF!!!).

Well, I just did another update Tuesday this week. Now I get random, fucked up, mixed case words.
Examples:
“Finished mY training deck and dem0s”
“HaviNg fUn at the oPen hOuSe?”

What makes it even more fucking annoying is that the SUGGESTIONS are even fucked up and mixed case. Jesus Fucking Christ! What kind of algorithm are you using Android?

Ok, I just THOUGHT my IKEA experience was frustrating. That was until lunch today.

Retarded Dumb Fuck

Umbrella Boy

This dumb fucker nearly put my eye out while waiting in line at my local Subway sandwich shop.

Ok, MAYBE he could get away with it if he were

  • In New Orleans
  • Gay
  • Gay in New Orleans

Even then, that still probably wouldn’t fly infuckingside!

Last night my girlfriend and I were standing in line to checkout at our local Ikea store. We had a grand total of 2 items between us. For some reason, the self checkout stations were closed but, the “Express Lanes: 15 items or less” were open. The line was fucking crawling… I mean, a slug going in reverse would have made more fucking progress.

The first thing we noticed was the lady in, how shall I put this, a micro-mini dress that barely covered her ass. It’s almost 7:00 PM on a Sunday night and all we could think of was “THIS is how you dress to shop at Ikea”? I’ll admit, it was a definite step up from PeopleofWalmart.com. It was at least a classy and elegant (and yes, fucking sexy as hell) but where had she come from (or where was she headed) dressed like that that said “Hey, I need to stop in at Ikea for a last-minute flat pack dining room table”.

But, what really chapped my fucking ass and made the checkout queue sooooo fucckkkiinnggg sloooowww were the “impulse shoppers”. There were 3 other customers behind “fuck me standing up in my micro-dress” lady. I counted anywhere from 8 to 15 items in each of their baskets. But, while we were waiting for “I’m too sexy for this dress” lady to finish, the group behind her (three different women with one basket) added several more items to their cart. One lady in the group ran back to the store and came back with a lamp. Another ran to the cafeteria and came back with a box of Swedish meatballs and a box of lingonberry cookies. The third took off a few minutes later and came back with another lamp, chair cushions and a painting.
Seriously, what the fuck? Were they just establishing a beachhead in the queue while completing their shopping? By the time they got to the checkout they had several dozen items. Get the fuck out of line, continue shopping, then get back in the fucking queue!

Then there were the two ladies in front of us. They were already pushing the 15 item limit when they were in line. There was the “Oh my god! I HAVE to have this stuffed boa constrictor toy”. Seriously, she decided while in line that she needed to have one and added it to her cart. The other one got tired of waiting and went back for some dishes: plates, glassware and place mats. Again, by the time they reached the checkout the count was several dozen items. To their credit though, they were purchasing things separately. Once they reached the counter they culled through each of their items and ran them through separately. So in a sense, individually they were under the “15 item” minimum. So while we originally thought we were third in line, we were actually fourth. All total, I think we waited over 30 minutes to checkout. Fuck!

While I’m ranting on queuing and checkout, let me add this. Does it REALLY take the entire family to stand in line to purchase 8 tickets to a movie? Do mom, dad, and all the relatives really need to create a giant cluster fuck in line for one person to pay? Just send dad (or mom) up to the window with the card. It makes the line so much smaller and faster. Or, do you mistrust your rugrats so much that you can’t let them out of your sight for the 5 minutes it takes to navigate the queue?

Yeah, I know…#firstworldproblems. But really… FML!

I need a fucking nap!

Posted: November 7, 2013 in The word "Fuck"
Tags: , ,

Sooo…. fucking… tired….

Brain no workee.

Concentration… totally fucking shot!

Focus? Yeah, right.

Motivation? Fuck me!

Let’s go take a fucking nap!

Yep! You read that right Fellow Fuckers! Don’t worry, I’m not upset about it. It’s not that I don’t love my mom but… we just don’t agree on a lot of things.

She’s one of those ultra-conservative, right-wing religious types. Usually we butt heads over things like gay rights, same-sex marriage, etc. It’s not that I go out of my way to “push my liberal agenda” on her, but more from the aspect of replying to her when she posts something offensive on her Facebook page. One of the more recent was a “straight pride” meme. The picture was accompanied by a hetero couple, holding hands with the quip “If you are proud to me be a heterosexual, monogamous couple I dare you to post this”.
Underneath there was some fine print stating “95% of you who repost this will receive hate mail”.

Aside from her homophobic posts and rants, she also attempts to push her religious doctrine as well. There have been the “We need to push our congressional leaders to put ‘Under God’ back in the pledge”. I politely informed her that the US didn’t even have the Pledge of Allegiance until 1892 and not formally even adopted by the US until 1942. The phrase “Under God” was then added in 1954. Therefore, the US went “without God” as she believes, for 178 years. Then there are the daily reminders, usually via text, that “God loves me”, that I am “A child of God”, and that “We can find salvation through Jesus”.

Since I am more spiritual in nature and very philosophical, I asked her politely to stop sending me her religious indoctrination. That, unfortunately, sparked a huge debate (from her) about how being agnostic, or atheistic, or “open to other ideas and philosophies” was not how she raised me. Really mom? You raised me to be a closed-minded, unthinking automaton that accepts from the pastor without question? You raised me to not ask questions when things seemed contradictory? I mean, what the fuck?

So I guess it was about 2 or 3 weeks ago after she texted me another Bible quote that I responded with Om Mani Padme Hum and requested she repeat that over and over. Then I gave her the meaning, and how it was supposed to bring enlightenment, wisdom, compassion and understanding. Her response was “What’s your point”. At that time I was still getting her “I’m at IHOP with Riveroaks UMC Bible group”, “Remember, God loves you”.

Last night, I was out with my girlfriend for Halloween and sushi. We had cute costumes (my Jeff Lebowski/Dude outfit) and her in a sexy Army Pin-up girl (I mean sexy as fucking hell!). The restaurant was holding a costume contest and took pictures of people dressed up for their Facebook page. Yeah, that meant we’d be “outed in public” together. I asked her how comfortable she was about that (see yesterday’s post Polyamory and Consequences). She said she was fine with it so after the hostess took our picture, I also took pictures of us and posted a status update as well. I even tagged both of us so it was apparent that we were there together. I expected some backlash or comment from my mom since she Facebook stalks me frequently and makes snide comments (things like “Watch your tongue son” when I was in my “30-day Fuck Challenge”). So today? Nothing. Hmmm? That, and the fact that I hadn’t seen her ramblings in a while, got me thinking. I checked my friends list and guess what? Yup! She’s gone! I went to her page (it’s wide open and she does nothing to protect her privacy) and I was greeted with “You are not friends with her, send her a friend request”.

A little part of me is doing the happy dance! Fuck yeah!

 

Yep, it’s that time of year where I can legally wear pajama pants to work! Fucking-A!

Yep, that’s me: The Dude! He abides. He will not let this aggression stand man!

And what an interesting, and shocking, fucking dichotomy it was today: Pajama pants, grey hoodie, sunglasses, purple t-shirt, (virgin) White Russian in hand (see Booze in the Workplace) in a room full of people including the CEO. Hells yeah! And I get to talk about data encryption and the differences between data at rest and data in flight. Yeah… I got some pretty strange fucking looks.

Oh yeah, I should mention this: I’ve been growing my hair out for about a year. This time in 2012 it was all peach-fuzz, shaved, melon head. I would do it myself once a week, just take the Wahl trimmer, remove all guards, and buzz away. It’s now shoulder-length, wavy and curly. It’s finally long enough to put up in a pony tail so it’s the perfect look for The Dude.  Today, no product or bands to pull it back. All I did was run a comb through it and let it hand. So yeah…

Happy fucking Halloween to all my Fellow Fuckers!

 

This is the post that WordPress lost….

I think it’s about time companies in the US started to revise and relax (not abandon) their policies around alcohol in the workplace. Would it be too much to swallow (pun intended) for companies to allow their employees to take a nip while at work?
Think about this… Wouldn’t you rather have a happy, slightly buzzed air traffic controller watching aircraft land over a bitter, burned-out, disgruntled one? I’d much rather have a happy employee guiding my plane in over one who really doesn’t give a fuck that AA Flight 393 is coming in too low and slow during a microburst.

What other careers could benefit from a little pick-me up?
Do we really care that our teachers are sober while teaching our spoiled little rugrats grammar, trig and history? If that’s what it takes to get them through their day, more power to them!

The guy that slices your ham at the deli? Maybe he could use something to get him through the monotony of pound after pound after pound of pressed ham and Alpine Lace Swiss cheese. I hear some people already “But what about job safety?” Is it OUR responsibility to ensure that deli-guy doesn’t include a finger tip in our roast beef? Why even the employer’s responsibility? That’s part of relaxing the rules: Hey, you’re on your own. “Each employee has the right to come to work in whatever state makes them happy, but do so at their own risk.” They know the fucking hazards even before getting tipsy. If Harold Ham-slicer chooses to imbibe, nobody fucking made him!

I can see many environments where employees would be much happier if they could partake. Hell, it would even improve productivity and morale to have happy, buzzed employees!

So come on fellow fuckers! Let me hear YOUR input! What jobs do YOU think could benefit from relaxed booze in the workplace policies?

Fucking pissed!

Posted: October 29, 2013 in The word "Fuck"
Tags: ,

Ok, I swore I wouldn’t use this site as a rant, but FUCK!!! This rant is specifically aimed at WordPress.
I just spent over an hour working on today’s blog. I went to publish it and got a bizarre error page with a little box asking “Are you sure you want to do this?”. No explanation, no fucking idea what “do this” was. So I hit my back button to return to the edit page. Guess what? It was fucking gone! WordPress hadn’t auto-saved ANY of my fucking work! It’s GONE! Kaput! Disappeared into that big, fucking bit bucket in the ether!

Thanks a fucking lot WordPress!