Last… Fucking… Words…

Posted: June 7, 2014 in Relationships/Polyamory
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

This is the hardest breakup I’ve ever fucking dealt with. When I divorced my ex-wife 20 years ago there was so much animosity between us that it was a relief. When Diva broke up with me last fall, and I started this blog with the 30-day Fuck Challenge, there was a bit of pain, but mostly relief. When navy girl and I broke up in college, it hurt a hell of a lot and it took me a few months to get over it. But tonight, Hellcat and I broke up. We were 5 weeks away from celebrating one year since we first went out. I’m fucking devastated. Though that doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And the last words I heard: “If you don’t leave now, I’ll throw you out. The sight of me makes me want to throw up”.

On top of what I am feeling myself, I wish I knew how much pain Hellcat is in. As much as I’m hurting I know Hellcat is hurting too if not more so. I wish I could repair it. I wish I could fix it and remove all her hurt and pain.

It’s not because I’m a douche bag. It’s because I tried to fit a polyamourous relationship into a monogamous model. I tried to remain faithful to who I am while trying appease MS and fit pseudo-monogamous paradigms into polyamourous paradigms. What happened is that now matter how hard I tried, “the marriage” and the “primary relationship” based on MS’s rules always won. In the end, I made choices that made MS happy rather than myself or Hellcat happy and ultimately lost her trust and Hellcat.

I don’t know how fucking long it’s going to take to get over this. This is the 3rd longest relationship in my lifetime, and probably the most intimate right up there with MS.

I am so fucking emotional now; angry at myself for the choices I made, angry at MS for not understanding and for forcing those choices on me. And at the same time, feel like my whole world has collapsed. I invested so much in Hellcat to lose it so fucking fast.

The tears and sobs come and go. I want to make it better for her and me but can’t.

Comments
  1. Patty B. says:

    I’m sorry your going through this.

  2. Patty B. says:

    Hope everything is going well today.

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