Posts Tagged ‘loss’

This is the hardest breakup I’ve ever fucking dealt with. When I divorced my ex-wife 20 years ago there was so much animosity between us that it was a relief. When Diva broke up with me last fall, and I started this blog with the 30-day Fuck Challenge, there was a bit of pain, but mostly relief. When navy girl and I broke up in college, it hurt a hell of a lot and it took me a few months to get over it. But tonight, Hellcat and I broke up. We were 5 weeks away from celebrating one year since we first went out. I’m fucking devastated. Though that doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And the last words I heard: “If you don’t leave now, I’ll throw you out. The sight of me makes me want to throw up”.

On top of what I am feeling myself, I wish I knew how much pain Hellcat is in. As much as I’m hurting I know Hellcat is hurting too if not more so. I wish I could repair it. I wish I could fix it and remove all her hurt and pain.

It’s not because I’m a douche bag. It’s because I tried to fit a polyamourous relationship into a monogamous model. I tried to remain faithful to who I am while trying appease MS and fit pseudo-monogamous paradigms into polyamourous paradigms. What happened is that now matter how hard I tried, “the marriage” and the “primary relationship” based on MS’s rules always won. In the end, I made choices that made MS happy rather than myself or Hellcat happy and ultimately lost her trust and Hellcat.

I don’t know how fucking long it’s going to take to get over this. This is the 3rd longest relationship in my lifetime, and probably the most intimate right up there with MS.

I am so fucking emotional now; angry at myself for the choices I made, angry at MS for not understanding and for forcing those choices on me. And at the same time, feel like my whole world has collapsed. I invested so much in Hellcat to lose it so fucking fast.

The tears and sobs come and go. I want to make it better for her and me but can’t.

Energy… The Newtonian law of Conservation states that “Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only converted from on form to another.”

Why am I speaking of energy with regard to relationships? It is because all relationships be they platonic, monogamous, straight, gay, or polyamorous, all require some level of energy. “You get back what you put in”.

Compared to established, long-term relationships, the level of energy in a new relationship is incredibly quite fucking high. (That’s not to say an established, long-term relationship does not require any energy, it’s just different).

That’s where this entry today is ultimately coming from… How the amount of time, and energy (or lack of each) resulted in the wreckage and carnage of emotions. There just wasn’t enough time and energy to get that plane off the ground.
My wife introduced me to A back in August at a birthday party for a mutual friend and we hit it off immediately. The problem is we live in different states and, knowing this, we tried to work with it. We saw each other when I got back from vacation and had a great weekend and time together. We started making plans for how we could see each other when I visited Tx and even making plans for A to come to Co. An opportunity arose to come back to Tx for a weekend where we had a great time at her house on “game night” with a bunch of friends playing Cards Against Humanity. Then A came up for the long-planned weekend. We seemed to be working around the confines of the long distance relationship and 800 miles.

And then… there was “the Sunday from Hell”. No details but it involved some hurt feelings, a lot a miscommunication and a meltdown by yours truly where I was a bit as an ass. (no, quite a big fucking ass). I returned to CO with my hurt feelings and into the arms of my friend Y.

Y and I had only been going out for a short time in CO and were still definitely in the “defining” stages of our relationship but, at this particular juncture, and she was working through some issues with her long-time boyfriend. We became sounding boards for each other, good friends to comfort each other. And, our friendship and relationship strengthened. I found myself spending more and more time with her. That meant less time for A in Tx even on the phone.
At the same time, A’s long time boyfriend E realized he could spend more time with her (aka long weekends) so they draw closer and rekindle their relationship.

The results of all this is that there just wasn’t time or energy to devote to building on what A and I had started. I could see the writing on the wall as our communication slowly petered away. And, since this last weekend was both A’s and my wife J’s I had been looking forward to seeing A. But I knew, I could sense it.

Last night A and I went to dinner to talk about the awkwardness of the last few weeks, the distance that seemed to creep in so fuckingly quiet-like. And just like that, the energy that was there 3 months ago, lifting us up off the ground was gone. We tried to pull up, but it was too late and we came crashing to the ground, emotions ripped apart left severed on the ground in the twisted wreckage of passion. The damage too sever to even triage. Casualties: 2.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not bitter. Yes, I am hurt and left with the sting of an ended relationship. But, not like other relationships past. This is more like the loss of “what could have been”.

Yet at the same time, that energy that was lost on take-off was transformed into other energy. Y and I are going much stronger. My relationship with my wife is much stronger.

Now, just like the laws of physics, energy has not been lost or destroyed just transformed.