Archive for December, 2013

I need to brag about my wife MS for a bit (and a little about HC as well). She gave me one of the most amazing Christmas presents I’ve ever received. I call them my poly cuff-links. The cuff-links are not poly in any way in and of themselves. They are beautiful, silver and monogrammed with my initial. Aside from that, they are also locket cuff-links and this is what makes them special. In one are two beautiful pictures of my wife MS. In the other, are two beautiful pictures of HC.

The back story for them is that I am never in the same place with them. As I mentioned before, the minute I get on the plane to go back home to CO, I immediately feel a loss and start missing MS. I long for her touch, her voice and with. The flip side of that is that I have time with HC. And even though I enjoy every minute I get to spend with her, there’s an ache for MS. I long for her and need her.

And, the minute I step on the plane to go see MS in TX, I start missing HC and there’s another heartache. I enjoy every minute I get to spend with MS and look forward to every minute more. But at the same time I’m missing HC’s caresses, laugh and warmth.

And that’s what makes these my poly cuff-links. They are always both close to me.

The other day I wrote about poly perks and some of the benefits of multiple, loving relationships. I ended it by talking about getting multiple Christmas and birthday presents.

Well, there’s a flip side to that as well. You know, GIVING multiple presents. HC and I shared an early Christmas before travelling back to TX to be with MS. I had already bought one present for MS and we went out and she picked another one out for herself.
I still have more to get but, I think you get the picture πŸ™‚

So next year, yes, my birthday will be a little extra special. Fortunately, though, MS and HC’s birthday aren’t that close together. HC’s is Sep, MS’s is Nov. Plenty of time to celebrate with each. Lucky me!

Now, onto other matters. Seems like I have high blood pressure. The doc started me on meds a little over a month ago. I’ve been taking it as prescribed but lately HC has been asking me if I’ve been monitoring my BP to see if it has helped. (No, I’m not saying she’s nagging. She is concerned and I really like that feeling). But, I had not been home 30 minutes when HC texted MS asking about my BP and asking her to remind me to monitor my blood pressure. Yes, now I have two women reminding me to take my meds, monitor my BP! (No, I’m not really complaining or saying I’m being nagged. It actually IS a good feeling).

And, not only did HC talk to MS about my BP but also mentioned that she’d noticed a tremor in hand a few times. Which means aside from daily reminders to take my pressure, I’m also getting reminders (twice) to “go see the doc about that tremor”!

Don’t get me wrong, I love them both. In most relationships they guy (or girl) could easily see this as harping and nagging. I try to look at the positives rather than the negative. The way I see it, I’m just loved twice as much πŸ™‚

Ciao my fellow fuckers!

I’ve noticed that most of my recent entries have been relationship and polyamory related. Even though it’s the holidays I’ll stick to that theme today.

While being in polyamorous relationships do have their challenges, there are some perks and benefits (sex aside). For instance…
I am travelling back to TX to be with MS for Christmas, New Years and our anniversary. Normally I’d leave my car at the airport. But, since it’s going to be for two weeks AND I won’t be able to see my girlfriend (damn, two weeks without HC), she is bringing me to the airport. That also means she will pick me up when I return! (Yeah, that’s going to be a fun reunion πŸ˜‰ ).

And, since I get in late in the evening, instead of driving an hour and a half home, HC will pick me up and it’s only 15 minutes to her place. (Did I mention it’s going to be a fun reunion?). I have taken advantage of that perk as well. I would go as far to say that even if MS were in CO too that this arrangement would still be viable. It just makes more sense to me, IMHO, to not have to make that drive late at night particularly this time of year when there can be a lot of snow on the roads.

Some other perks? Well, we are both members of poly groups in the towns where we live. When I get to TX this weekend there is a Christmas party for MS’s local group. That’s where she met her “not quite a boyfriend” (NQABF) S. He will be there with his wife A (she and I used to go out but have cooled things since) but MS will definitely want to spend some time with him. Enter Burner into the picture.

MS introduced me to Burner back in June (I call her that since she’s been to a few Burning Man type festivals although she doesn’t consider herself to be a true “burner”). She friended me almost immediately the day after the BBQ and we’ve been chatting and texting off and on since. We’ve only met two other times and she gives amazing hugs! I mean AMAZING! She’ll be at the party so everyone is happy. I get some hugs, MS gets to hang with NQABF.

And, as bittersweet as my first poly holiday will be (not being able to spend Christmas with both MS and HC) I got TWO Christmas’! HC and I held an “early Christmas” the last two nights and exchanged presents with each other. Twice the presents from people I love! You can’t beat that!

So along with Christmas think about birthdays! Yes, even MORE presents!

Do I sound a bit greedy? Maybe πŸ™‚ But I like to find the positives in situations!

Ciao my fellow fuckers!

Ok, earlier I blogged about how the latest Android update was fucking with my autocorrect and replacing ordinary words with raunchier words. Things like “programs” to “orgasms”, “reaction” to “rectum” or “erection”. (It’s still at it by the way. Texted MS yesterday saying “the contractor is here”. Instead I sent “the vibrator is here” WTF!!!).

Well, I just did another update Tuesday this week. Now I get random, fucked up, mixed case words.
Examples:
“Finished mY training deck and dem0s”
“HaviNg fUn at the oPen hOuSe?”

What makes it even more fucking annoying is that the SUGGESTIONS are even fucked up and mixed case. Jesus Fucking Christ! What kind of algorithm are you using Android?

A little housekeeping before I get started.
First, I’ve been referring to certain people in my life by their initials. My wife is J, my girlfriend is Y and my wife’s “not quite a boyfriend” is S.
From here on out, I’ll stop using initials and instead use the initials for their pet names. My wife is MS (not as in “This Missus” but from the Gaelic words for My Love) and my girlfriend is HC.

Now, let’s begin.

While MS and I came to the realization that we were polyamorous several years ago, this is the first time where either one of us has had a serious relationship as we approach the holidays. It was right around Thanksgiving when HC and I said I love you to each other. We’d met for the first time in May and had known each other for a few months before we finally went out in July. We were definitely friends first and, IMHO, is what helped form a close bond that allowed us to reach that level. So when Thanksgiving approached and I had planned my travel back to TX to spend time with MS it was hard to leave HC for a week. HC’s daughter had even invited me to spend Thanksgiving with them.

Now, here we are at Christmas. I’m heading back to TX for two weeks. It will be time with MS, friends and other family. It will also be our 18th wedding anniversary. I am truly looking forward to it.

That said, I’ll be leaving HC for those two weeks and we won’t get to spend any time with each other for Christmas. If it were a perfect world, I’d be able to go to TX with HC and we could all spend some time together, have her meet my friends and family. Instead, we get a prolonged holiday. MS and HC exchanged gifts with each other a few weeks ago when MS was in CO for my company’s holiday party. Last night, HC and I exchanged gifts with each other before I leave for TX. It was wonderful, it was close. It was intimate. And I’ll miss her Christmas Day.

 

Ok, I just THOUGHT my IKEA experience was frustrating. That was until lunch today.

Retarded Dumb Fuck

Umbrella Boy

This dumb fucker nearly put my eye out while waiting in line at my local Subway sandwich shop.

Ok, MAYBE he could get away with it if he were

  • In New Orleans
  • Gay
  • Gay in New Orleans

Even then, that still probably wouldn’t fly infuckingside!

Last night my girlfriend and I were standing in line to checkout at our local Ikea store. We had a grand total of 2 items between us. For some reason, the self checkout stations were closed but, the “Express Lanes: 15 items or less” were open. The line was fucking crawling… I mean, a slug going in reverse would have made more fucking progress.

The first thing we noticed was the lady in, how shall I put this, a micro-mini dress that barely covered her ass. It’s almost 7:00 PM on a Sunday night and all we could think of was “THIS is how you dress to shop at Ikea”? I’ll admit, it was a definite step up from PeopleofWalmart.com. It was at least a classy and elegant (and yes, fucking sexy as hell) but where had she come from (or where was she headed) dressed like that that said “Hey, I need to stop in at Ikea for a last-minute flat pack dining room table”.

But, what really chapped my fucking ass and made the checkout queue sooooo fucckkkiinnggg sloooowww were the “impulse shoppers”. There were 3 other customers behind “fuck me standing up in my micro-dress” lady. I counted anywhere from 8 to 15 items in each of their baskets. But, while we were waiting for “I’m too sexy for this dress” lady to finish, the group behind her (three different women with one basket) added several more items to their cart. One lady in the group ran back to the store and came back with a lamp. Another ran to the cafeteria and came back with a box of Swedish meatballs and a box of lingonberry cookies. The third took off a few minutes later and came back with another lamp, chair cushions and a painting.
Seriously, what the fuck? Were they just establishing a beachhead in the queue while completing their shopping? By the time they got to the checkout they had several dozen items. Get the fuck out of line, continue shopping, then get back in the fucking queue!

Then there were the two ladies in front of us. They were already pushing the 15 item limit when they were in line. There was the “Oh my god! I HAVE to have this stuffed boa constrictor toy”. Seriously, she decided while in line that she needed to have one and added it to her cart. The other one got tired of waiting and went back for some dishes: plates, glassware and place mats. Again, by the time they reached the checkout the count was several dozen items. To their credit though, they were purchasing things separately. Once they reached the counter they culled through each of their items and ran them through separately. So in a sense, individually they were under the “15 item” minimum. So while we originally thought we were third in line, we were actually fourth. All total, I think we waited over 30 minutes to checkout. Fuck!

While I’m ranting on queuing and checkout, let me add this. Does it REALLY take the entire family to stand in line to purchase 8 tickets to a movie? Do mom, dad, and all the relatives really need to create a giant cluster fuck in line for one person to pay? Just send dad (or mom) up to the window with the card. It makes the line so much smaller and faster. Or, do you mistrust your rugrats so much that you can’t let them out of your sight for the 5 minutes it takes to navigate the queue?

Yeah, I know…#firstworldproblems. But really… FML!

Indulge me today my Fellow Fuckers. Today’s topic comes as a two-part invention.

I’ll start with the fact that I’ve been renting my house to friends for over a year. They got the upper floor and we (my wife and I) got use of the basement as needed. When my job status changed earlier this year I moved back and have been living full-time in the basement since May. Not ideal, but workable.

Now let me digress.
A month after moving back to CO, I was in TX to visit J and attend a BBQ with like-minded poly folk. There, J introduced me to M. We talked and flirted for a few minutes then she disappeared and I didn’t see her the rest of the afternoon and evening. A few days later though, M sent me a friend request on Facebook and we’ve been messaging back forth occasionally. I got to meet M again in Sep at a game night. We chatted, talked, got some amazing fucking hugs then went back to CO.

Then, while I was back in TX last week for J’s birthday and Thanksgiving, M and I had a chance to meet for lunch, talk one-on-one and get to know each other a little better. While we were at lunch, J and her “not-quite-a-boyfriend” S decided to do a little Christmas shopping. Everyone was happy.

M and I finished lunch so I texted J to let her know I was on my way home. She replied back that she and S were at lunch as well and would head that way. I told them “no rush”, got home and flopped down on the recliner.

J and S got back maybe 30 minutes later, and they flopped on the couch where they kind of cuddled with each other, kissed a bit, and we all talked and chatted, just generally hanging out. In the middle of that, my girlfriend Y in CO called. So at one point J and S are cuddling on the couch, I’m on the phone with Y. All good times.

So why bring up these 2 seemingly unrelated events?
Well, the renters moved out over Thanksgiving while I was in TX and I have the WHOLE fucking house back! And, ironically, of all the fun shit that has happened over the last 6 months, taking back the house, sleeping in the bedroom, eating breakfast in the kitchen this morning made me feel like things were “normal” again!

Yeah, you fucking read that right! I was “wingman” for my wife J. She had met someone on OKC (OkCupid for you fellow fuckers not in the know) and had been messaging back and forth for a few weeks. It had reached a point where the potential suitor was wanting to meet face-to-face. The problem was that I was in town for the week for J’s birthday and Thanksgiving and she didn’t want to give up any time with me. Made total sense to me but I had kept encouraging her.
And, for some reason this guy, K for short, seemed to think he and I were similar and he was just as interested in meeting me as well.

Soooo…. J and K texted and messaged back and forth and we all agreed to meet.

Now on to the REST of the story. Or, as I like to call it, “How to fuck up a first date”.

First off, I admit he might have been a bit intimidated by going on a “meet and greet” with me around. But, since he had expressed interest, he got what he asked for.

Rather than describe the date, why don’t I just make this about what to do (and not to fucking do) on a first date. Guys…. you fucking listening?

  • Try complimenting her or something about her when you first see her. “Hey, that’s a lovely blouse”. “That’s a pretty color you have on your nails”. Something that says “Hey, I noticed you”! And be genuine about it. Also, don’t go overboard or be fucking creepy about it either. I mean “Whoa, I like how that blouse shows off your tits” might be a bit over the top. Avoid the “What color bra do you have on under that?” I mean, if it goes well you’ll find out soon enough. But, 10 minutes into the date? I’m just sayin.
  • Use a recent fucking picture on your profile! (This goes for BOTH ladies and gents). If you think you’re too old, overweight/skinny, bald, or whatever, do you think a 10-year-old pic is going to change anything when they see you in person? I don’t mean to sound shallow here, but he fucking honest! A 10-year-old picture where you’re partying up may look good on the profile but what happens when you show up and you’re 30 pounds heavier and that mop on your head is now a comb-over? If someone is going think your attractive they’ll think you’re attractive regardless. But, offering one thing then selling another just isn’t fucking cool.
  • Don’t rant about your job! Maybe explain a bit about it, but don’t spend 30 minutes on boring details and complaining about it! Do ask about HER job. And pay… the… fuck… attention when she speaks. Fucking listen to her.
  • Engage her! Talk to HER. Ask her some fucking questions! Be fucking interested in her damnit!
  • Make eye contact with her! I was sitting next to J and K was directly across from both of us. I made more eye contact with J sitting in the seat next to me. K somewhat made eye contact with me. Dude! You’re not on a fucking date with ME, you’re on a date with HER!
  • Do NOT bring your Briggs-Meyers personality results with you. Yeah, I’m not making this shit up. K brought his and read it verbatim to us. And guys, even if you have a fucked up personality test, keep that a fucking mystery. After spouting off “you’re a loner and anti-social who prefers time to yourself as opposed to others” in the middle of the entrΓ©e don’t be surprised when the next words out of her mouth are “Waitress, check please” while your date bolts for the fucking door. In fact, I wouldn’t be too surprised if she bolted so fast that you were left with the fucking check!
  • Do NOT dress all in black! (Ok, maybe if you’re Johnny Cash, Alice Cooper or Ozzie you can get away with it).
  • Don’t fucking mumble!
  • Try not to mention failures with other dating sites. Ok, don’t just try… Don’t fucking do it at all!  Take a look at all the above “Don’ts”. Maybe it’s not the other dating sites.

Good luck my fellow fuckers!