Last weekend MS, HC and I embarked upon a new chapter in our lives: We moved HC in with us and we are working on an intentional family. It is something we’ve been talking about since last fall and actively planning since the beginning of the year.

The discussions about this started last Fall after a fire in the town-home adjoining HC’s. Her unit had extensive smoke damage and MS and I offered to let HC stay with us while her unit was clearing out. She stayed with us about 3 weeks and overall it was a positive experience. Then around Christmas we all began to talk about what it would look like if it were permanent.

And we all sat down right after New Year and talked about it. Then talked about it some more. We discussed living arrangements, date night arrangements, and general household rules and boundaries. And we talked some more. We’ve also been to several counseling sessions with a poly friendly counselor. Oh, and we talked some more.

One of the items we discussed is around success and failure criteria. In a more traditional monogamous relationship paradigm, a couple might consider cohabitation as a precursor to marriage. Or, that couple may go from dating and living separately to married life and living together. It seems that under that paradigm, the success/failure criteria are

  • It works and they live happily ever after, have children, grow old together, and live together until one or the other dies (The relationship escalator)
  • It fails and the couple breaks up, separates or divorces

For us, we’ve identified that the most likely cause for contention and conflict in our mini community will be personality differences. Knowing this ahead of time all three of us are going into this as a trial period. It’s not necessarily permanent and therefore we’ve set a timeline for 60 a day test.

And knowing and talking about potential issues ahead of time, during the next 60 days, we’ve set up some boundaries and general living guidelines.

  1. We have a weekly check-in. During this time we’ve chosen the breakfast nook area as our neutral corner to sit down and discuss things that may be bothering each other, to see how things are going, what worked, and what didn’t. The purpose is to try to derail potential issues that could build up over time and create meltdowns or crisis. For example, one person may have an issue with how someone leaves the bathroom after brushing their teeth. So rather than have it build up for weeks with a “God I’ve been walking into the bathroom for weeks and seeing toothpaste and makeup all over the sink, how can you be such a slob”, we bring these up in a non-confrontational manner using non-violent communication skills. “Hey, during the week I noticed every time I walked past the bathroom that I saw toothpaste splattered all over the mirror. It bothers me a little and I was wondering if maybe you could be more careful or wipe down the mirror afterward”. Since any two people living together are bound to have these types of issues, realizing and understanding them, and having a tool to meet them will help minimize them becoming major issue
  2. Privacy and alone time are other areas we are experimenting with. When a couple decide to marry or live together, often times it is under the assumption that “We’ve met our soul mate so everything will be perfect”. However, prior to that each have led a rather autonomous life with some periods of alone or downtime. An assumption is that once a couple has married, that their partner will fill all their needs or they become the joined-at-the-hip couple and do everything together. Therefore we’ve talked about respecting each other’s needs for alone time and or privacy. As such, we all decided that everyone gets their own room. MS and I rearranged the house and turned the office into a bedroom for HC. I upgrade the guest room in the basement and it is my room (I am writing from there now). MS keeps the master bedroom. This is each person’s private space and the agreement is that owner of that space, we invite people into it.
  3. Have flexibility and respect. All the boundaries we’ve discussed are just that: boundaries. They aren’t hard and fast rules that are made to be strictly followed and met with harsh punishment if broken. If something needs to change, we all discuss it. We make requests. We ask and talk about what we need and why.

Officially now, we are closing out day 2 of the experiment. HC moved in Saturday so Sunday was the first full day. However, that was spent finishing unpacking, last-minute shopping for needed items, and cleaning. Today we all got up and went to work, came home, ate dinner and watched a movie cuddling on the couch. Now it’s bed time. Last night I was invited to HC’s room where we slept together. Tuesday’s are typically MS and my date nights and nights where I sleep with her. Wednesday is HC’s and my night. Those are followed up by Friday date nights for HC and myself, then rounding out the weekend with date night Saturday with MS. By progression it seems Tue/MS, Wed/HC, Th/MS, Fri/HC, Sun/MS which means Monday night is everyone’s alone night. (see item 3 around flexibility).

That’s all for days 1 and 2. More to come as we start this new chapter in our lives.

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Over the last year I’ve said “I love you” to both HC and MS numerous times. I’ve said “I love you” to HC in front of MS. I’ve said “I love you” to MS in front of HC. I’ve kissed and hugged one or the other in front of the other so many times I’ve lost count.

Lately, in an effort to improve communication, I’ve started emailing both MS and HC at the same time, and group texting with them. It’s been really amazing how everyone being on the same page has helped. No more “can you tell HC I said ‘xyz'” or “Did you let MS know that I’m doing ‘abc’?”. And no more “I thought I told you that I talked to HC about going to …”.

What was really nice yesterday as I was headed home and communicating via group text was when I came to the “I love you” part. Since it was a group text would one assume it was meant only for them? Would they automatically assume it was meant for both? Instead, I typed “Love you both!”

At first it felt a bit surreal. But fuck it, I DO love them both and they both know it.

So Poly is… telling your partners you love them!

Chat  —  Posted: January 15, 2015 in Relationships/Polyamory, Uncategorized
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Another good poly moment last night: MS, HC and I were scheduled to attend a ploy meetup together. Since the meetup location is close to MS’s office, I usually take her to the bus stop, then pick her up after I leave. This is problematic since her office is over 30 miles (an hour of traffic) from my office. In addition, both MS and HC typically get off work anywhere from 60 to 90 minutes before I do. So HC steps up and says “I’ll pick MS up when I get off work and we’ll hang out, shop, or whatever until you get off work and meet us both for dinner”.

And it all worked like a charm. HC pick’s up MS and they run by Micheal’s and Tuesday Morning, before calling me and letting me know they were heading to Panera Bread. I arrived just as they were sitting down with their orders!

 

So to sum it up… Poly Is…. your girlfriend helping out and hanging out with your wife 🙂

I so love them both!

 

 

Love is...image used with permission: (c) loveiscomix.com)

love is… or Poly is…

We’ve had some great poly moments that last few weeks. The other night was no exception and it made me think of the old “Love Is…” comics (http://loveiscomix.com/).
But instead, I thought “Poly is…”. In that night’s case MS and I were both in bed, ready to call it a night. I was texting with HC who was at a meetup, MS was texting with a new guy she just started seeing and they were planning a movie date. Since I have the Fandango app on my smartphone she asked me to look up movie times for several movies near us.

So in short, “Poly is…” helping your wife and her new fling find a movie for date night. Feeling good!

 

(Love is image used with permission: (c) loveiscomix.com)

Chat  —  Posted: January 12, 2015 in Relationships/Polyamory
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Things you don’t normally hear in day to day conversations…

“She got a lovely bouquet from her boyfriend’s wife”

 

Follow-up…

“Best girlfriend a wife’s husband could ever have”

Chat  —  Posted: September 26, 2014 in Relationships/Polyamory
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Well my Fellow Fuckers, it’s been awhile. Work keeps fucking up my life! Going to try to get back in the swing of things here.

Well guess what? I came out as polyamorous to my mom and sister last weekend. I wasn’t so worried about talking about it to my sister. She’s pretty open since 3 of her cousins are gay, her best friend (a guy) is gay and was her “matron of honor” at her wedding.

Because of that I started my “outing” with her to try to gauge how our mom would feel. As expected, my little sis was fine with it. Actually, she is still upset that my son beat her to the punch at getting married and presenting our mom with the first (and second) great-grandchild.

So onto Mom…
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts she’s not exactly the open-minded sort. She’s your typical Bible-thumping, going to Hell, conservative so I was expecting a bit of a fight. Her comment was “Well, I don’t approve but your my son and I love you”.

I could have let it go at that but then she called my sister later on “crying” that she was “sad because of my life choices”.

Well Ms. Bible Thumper, I have a question for you. If your god created us in “his image” and created us as we are: straight, gay, lesbian, trans, poly, etc… then why is it “making a choice”? Why would he create us as we are and then hand down a set of rules that contradict how we are created? Seems a bit hypocritical to me to say “I’m going to make you gay, but don’t be attracted to men” or “You’re a sexual mammal, don’t have sex for pleasure”.

You want to believe a super natural being created the universe and all of us in it, that’s fine. But when you start imposing man-made structure around it and laws around how to live, or to dispute fact, then get the fuck out of my life.

Chat  —  Posted: June 30, 2014 in Relationships/Polyamory, The word "Fuck"
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This is the hardest breakup I’ve ever fucking dealt with. When I divorced my ex-wife 20 years ago there was so much animosity between us that it was a relief. When Diva broke up with me last fall, and I started this blog with the 30-day Fuck Challenge, there was a bit of pain, but mostly relief. When navy girl and I broke up in college, it hurt a hell of a lot and it took me a few months to get over it. But tonight, Hellcat and I broke up. We were 5 weeks away from celebrating one year since we first went out. I’m fucking devastated. Though that doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And the last words I heard: “If you don’t leave now, I’ll throw you out. The sight of me makes me want to throw up”.

On top of what I am feeling myself, I wish I knew how much pain Hellcat is in. As much as I’m hurting I know Hellcat is hurting too if not more so. I wish I could repair it. I wish I could fix it and remove all her hurt and pain.

It’s not because I’m a douche bag. It’s because I tried to fit a polyamourous relationship into a monogamous model. I tried to remain faithful to who I am while trying appease MS and fit pseudo-monogamous paradigms into polyamourous paradigms. What happened is that now matter how hard I tried, “the marriage” and the “primary relationship” based on MS’s rules always won. In the end, I made choices that made MS happy rather than myself or Hellcat happy and ultimately lost her trust and Hellcat.

I don’t know how fucking long it’s going to take to get over this. This is the 3rd longest relationship in my lifetime, and probably the most intimate right up there with MS.

I am so fucking emotional now; angry at myself for the choices I made, angry at MS for not understanding and for forcing those choices on me. And at the same time, feel like my whole world has collapsed. I invested so much in Hellcat to lose it so fucking fast.

The tears and sobs come and go. I want to make it better for her and me but can’t.

Chat  —  Posted: June 7, 2014 in Relationships/Polyamory
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