Posts Tagged ‘love’

Last weekend MS, HC and I embarked upon a new chapter in our lives: We moved HC in with us and we are working on an intentional family. It is something we’ve been talking about since last fall and actively planning since the beginning of the year.

The discussions about this started last Fall after a fire in the town-home adjoining HC’s. Her unit had extensive smoke damage and MS and I offered to let HC stay with us while her unit was clearing out. She stayed with us about 3 weeks and overall it was a positive experience. Then around Christmas we all began to talk about what it would look like if it were permanent.

And we all sat down right after New Year and talked about it. Then talked about it some more. We discussed living arrangements, date night arrangements, and general household rules and boundaries. And we talked some more. We’ve also been to several counseling sessions with a poly friendly counselor. Oh, and we talked some more.

One of the items we discussed is around success and failure criteria. In a more traditional monogamous relationship paradigm, a couple might consider cohabitation as a precursor to marriage. Or, that couple may go from dating and living separately to married life and living together. It seems that under that paradigm, the success/failure criteria are

  • It works and they live happily ever after, have children, grow old together, and live together until one or the other dies (The relationship escalator)
  • It fails and the couple breaks up, separates or divorces

For us, we’ve identified that the most likely cause for contention and conflict in our mini community will be personality differences. Knowing this ahead of time all three of us are going into this as a trial period. It’s not necessarily permanent and therefore we’ve set a timeline for 60 a day test.

And knowing and talking about potential issues ahead of time, during the next 60 days, we’ve set up some boundaries and general living guidelines.

  1. We have a weekly check-in. During this time we’ve chosen the breakfast nook area as our neutral corner to sit down and discuss things that may be bothering each other, to see how things are going, what worked, and what didn’t. The purpose is to try to derail potential issues that could build up over time and create meltdowns or crisis. For example, one person may have an issue with how someone leaves the bathroom after brushing their teeth. So rather than have it build up for weeks with a “God I’ve been walking into the bathroom for weeks and seeing toothpaste and makeup all over the sink, how can you be such a slob”, we bring these up in a non-confrontational manner using non-violent communication skills. “Hey, during the week I noticed every time I walked past the bathroom that I saw toothpaste splattered all over the mirror. It bothers me a little and I was wondering if maybe you could be more careful or wipe down the mirror afterward”. Since any two people living together are bound to have these types of issues, realizing and understanding them, and having a tool to meet them will help minimize them becoming major issue
  2. Privacy and alone time are other areas we are experimenting with. When a couple decide to marry or live together, often times it is under the assumption that “We’ve met our soul mate so everything will be perfect”. However, prior to that each have led a rather autonomous life with some periods of alone or downtime. An assumption is that once a couple has married, that their partner will fill all their needs or they become the joined-at-the-hip couple and do everything together. Therefore we’ve talked about respecting each other’s needs for alone time and or privacy. As such, we all decided that everyone gets their own room. MS and I rearranged the house and turned the office into a bedroom for HC. I upgrade the guest room in the basement and it is my room (I am writing from there now). MS keeps the master bedroom. This is each person’s private space and the agreement is that owner of that space, we invite people into it.
  3. Have flexibility and respect. All the boundaries we’ve discussed are just that: boundaries. They aren’t hard and fast rules that are made to be strictly followed and met with harsh punishment if broken. If something needs to change, we all discuss it. We make requests. We ask and talk about what we need and why.

Officially now, we are closing out day 2 of the experiment. HC moved in Saturday so Sunday was the first full day. However, that was spent finishing unpacking, last-minute shopping for needed items, and cleaning. Today we all got up and went to work, came home, ate dinner and watched a movie cuddling on the couch. Now it’s bed time. Last night I was invited to HC’s room where we slept together. Tuesday’s are typically MS and my date nights and nights where I sleep with her. Wednesday is HC’s and my night. Those are followed up by Friday date nights for HC and myself, then rounding out the weekend with date night Saturday with MS. By progression it seems Tue/MS, Wed/HC, Th/MS, Fri/HC, Sun/MS which means Monday night is everyone’s alone night. (see item 3 around flexibility).

That’s all for days 1 and 2. More to come as we start this new chapter in our lives.

Over the last year I’ve said “I love you” to both HC and MS numerous times. I’ve said “I love you” to HC in front of MS. I’ve said “I love you” to MS in front of HC. I’ve kissed and hugged one or the other in front of the other so many times I’ve lost count.

Lately, in an effort to improve communication, I’ve started emailing both MS and HC at the same time, and group texting with them. It’s been really amazing how everyone being on the same page has helped. No more “can you tell HC I said ‘xyz'” or “Did you let MS know that I’m doing ‘abc’?”. And no more “I thought I told you that I talked to HC about going to …”.

What was really nice yesterday as I was headed home and communicating via group text was when I came to the “I love you” part. Since it was a group text would one assume it was meant only for them? Would they automatically assume it was meant for both? Instead, I typed “Love you both!”

At first it felt a bit surreal. But fuck it, I DO love them both and they both know it.

So Poly is… telling your partners you love them!

Another good poly moment last night: MS, HC and I were scheduled to attend a ploy meetup together. Since the meetup location is close to MS’s office, I usually take her to the bus stop, then pick her up after I leave. This is problematic since her office is over 30 miles (an hour of traffic) from my office. In addition, both MS and HC typically get off work anywhere from 60 to 90 minutes before I do. So HC steps up and says “I’ll pick MS up when I get off work and we’ll hang out, shop, or whatever until you get off work and meet us both for dinner”.

And it all worked like a charm. HC pick’s up MS and they run by Micheal’s and Tuesday Morning, before calling me and letting me know they were heading to Panera Bread. I arrived just as they were sitting down with their orders!


So to sum it up… Poly Is…. your girlfriend helping out and hanging out with your wife 🙂

I so love them both!



Love is...image used with permission: (c)

love is… or Poly is…

We’ve had some great poly moments that last few weeks. The other night was no exception and it made me think of the old “Love Is…” comics (
But instead, I thought “Poly is…”. In that night’s case MS and I were both in bed, ready to call it a night. I was texting with HC who was at a meetup, MS was texting with a new guy she just started seeing and they were planning a movie date. Since I have the Fandango app on my smartphone she asked me to look up movie times for several movies near us.

So in short, “Poly is…” helping your wife and her new fling find a movie for date night. Feeling good!


(Love is image used with permission: (c)

This is the hardest breakup I’ve ever fucking dealt with. When I divorced my ex-wife 20 years ago there was so much animosity between us that it was a relief. When Diva broke up with me last fall, and I started this blog with the 30-day Fuck Challenge, there was a bit of pain, but mostly relief. When navy girl and I broke up in college, it hurt a hell of a lot and it took me a few months to get over it. But tonight, Hellcat and I broke up. We were 5 weeks away from celebrating one year since we first went out. I’m fucking devastated. Though that doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And the last words I heard: “If you don’t leave now, I’ll throw you out. The sight of me makes me want to throw up”.

On top of what I am feeling myself, I wish I knew how much pain Hellcat is in. As much as I’m hurting I know Hellcat is hurting too if not more so. I wish I could repair it. I wish I could fix it and remove all her hurt and pain.

It’s not because I’m a douche bag. It’s because I tried to fit a polyamourous relationship into a monogamous model. I tried to remain faithful to who I am while trying appease MS and fit pseudo-monogamous paradigms into polyamourous paradigms. What happened is that now matter how hard I tried, “the marriage” and the “primary relationship” based on MS’s rules always won. In the end, I made choices that made MS happy rather than myself or Hellcat happy and ultimately lost her trust and Hellcat.

I don’t know how fucking long it’s going to take to get over this. This is the 3rd longest relationship in my lifetime, and probably the most intimate right up there with MS.

I am so fucking emotional now; angry at myself for the choices I made, angry at MS for not understanding and for forcing those choices on me. And at the same time, feel like my whole world has collapsed. I invested so much in Hellcat to lose it so fucking fast.

The tears and sobs come and go. I want to make it better for her and me but can’t.

Hello my Fellow Fuckers. Cross posted another douche-bag on the wall of shame today at the Douche Bag and Diva Chronicles.

Mr. Jackpot is now available on the Wall of Shame

Hello my Fellow Fuckers! Post #3 is live in the Douche-Bag Chronicles! Check out Mr. Ok!

I was reading some comments in a poly discussion group. The question came up “Do you get upset when someone questions your ‘lifestyle’?”. That sparked the following question: “Is polyamory a lifestyle?”

It’s an interesting topic and question. I, for one, believe it’s part of who I am. I would say that it’s an identity. But, when MS and I first “decided to do poly” it was more of a lifestyle choice. Like some people are swingers, some people are fetishists and have their kinky side we felt like we were making a choice about how to live.

Guess what? Things did not go so well. We couldn’t find a community and did not know of any resources. All we had found at the time were several WiKi sites and some definitions about many of the terms.

Unicorn Nothing we found talked with or dealt with actually how to deal with issues like jealousy, envy, etc. We were given a pretty picture of unicorns and rainbows. Rainbow

Then two things happened: the wheels started to fall off in dramatic fashion, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

I needed time to deal with my dad and doctor visits and MS needed to end an unhealthy relationship so we decided to “take a break” and “not be poly”. But over time, that word kept creeping back into discussions. Unfortunately, I was travelling for work as well and just could not muster the energy to bring it back into our life even though I knew in my heart that I could not be, or was not meant to be, monogamous.

Shortly after my dad passed away, though, I had my own little emotional apocalypse. It started out as a little Jameson’s and diet Coke, then went to full-blown shots and ended with me shouting “I can’t be monogamous” (along with screaming, locking myself in the bathroom and several healthy doses of praying to the porcelain god that finished with dry heaves).

I was in a pretty fucked up situation, mostly in my head, and needed some space: Space to deal with these life changing events, space to think, space to find myself. Since I was still traveling and had practically no fucking concept of work/life balance the first step was to change jobs and eliminate the 90% travel. Over the next 6 weeks I finally found a position back in CO.

But like I said, I needed space. As MS and I discussed the job, moving again, I was reluctant to say what I really needed. But MS could sense it. She asked me if I wanted her to come back to CO with me. I had to break her heart. I had to rip it out and hurt her very badly. At that time, I could only say the most selfish thing in the world: “No. I need some time and space. I need to find myself. I need you to let me be me”.

And even though I broke her heart, she gave me my wings and I took the job and relocated by myself. And, I began to rediscover who I am; I discovered the horrible programming my parents did to me growing up, the bad communication styles they gave me. I began the process of redefining myself. I discovered how my I loved and missed MS and how I needed her in my life.

And, I discovered, I AM polyamorous. I embraced it. It is who I am. I reflected on my life and past relationships and saw a pattern. In high school and college I always wondered “Why do I have to choose one person?” I had crushes on several people. But, “rules” said I could only go out with one. If I was dating or going out with Cyndi but was interested in Debbie then I’d have to break up with Cyndi first. It never made sense.

The closest I came to living a poly lifestyle was in college. I was engaged to who is now my ex-wife but I was seeing Trumpeter on the side. Neither knew about the other so it can’t really be called polyamory. But, Trumpeter and I had what can only be called a friends with benefits relationship. It was the early 80’s and I don’t think the term fuck buddy was out yet but that’s what we had. We were friends socially but whenever we got together the sexual chemistry was through the roof. We’d call each other to “hang out”, play pool, or what not, but within 30 minutes we’d be in the sack having wild monkey sex.

As my wedding with my now ex loomed, Trumpeter and I knew we’d eventually end and it did once the wedding occurred. But even then, I fell in love with or had crushes on other women once I got married. Ultimately, my ex did too as after 6 years she started seeing an ex-boyfriend who had returned and we divorced.

Now, here I am, over 20 years later, married to MS, dating Hell Cat and embracing a polyamorous lifestyle. For me, the answer to the question that I started at the top is this: It is who I am. It’s part of me. I can only imagine it similar to someone who is gay. You can’t “pray it away”, or send me to a camp to condition it out of me. I am polyamorous.

It seems the word metamour has been popping up lately both in my own world and in blogs I’ve been following. In one, SPC has been writing a lot about her metamour, Traveler’s Wife, and linked to her blog as well.
What is a metamour? In the polyamory world, it is the partner’s lover or significant other. In my world, I am married to MS and have been dating my girlfriend Hell Cat for 6 months. MS and Hell Cat are met amours. Likewise, MS has been seeing NQABF for several months so he and I are met amours.
The metamour relationship can be just as complex or involved as the lover or secondary relationship (I hesitated to use secondary here as I don’t want to imply there is a relationship hierarchy. I use it to define the relationship that is outside the traditional, monogamous relationship). In some cases, they can just be aware of each other’s existence. In other cases, they may be more friendly and amicable, and they can even have their own romantic relationship.
As I wrote in A (Not so) typical Friday, MS and NQABF went out for dinner. When they got back to the apartment we all just hung out and talked and chatted for hours. I get along with NQABF; I like him and actually enjoy doing stuff with them.
And last night was another good poly and metamour night. Hell Cat and I have been making up lost time from me being away during the Christmas holidays so she met me at my office. MS is in D.C. for work and was heading out for trivia night. She had planned to call me before heading to the bar but because Hell Cat was meeting me at my office, I wound getting the call on the way home with Hell Cat in the car.
We all had a nice talk and MS was asking what we had planned. Nothing really special as I was going to make my famous veggie quesadillas (reply if you want the recipe) then Hell Cat and I were just going to hang out and just enjoy our time together. MS told Hell Cat she was in for a treat because (yes, tooting my own horn here) I DO make a killer quesadilla.
After we got home and had dinner, Hell Cat had texted MS that yes, they WERE yummy and she enjoyed them very much.

Texting from the couchI didn’t know that much so later as we were cuddling on the couch and talking, and MS had gotten back from trivia night, she texted Hell Cat about the quesadillas, kind of giving her a hard time saying “You’re just too nice. You’d have said they were yummy even if they were ground glass”.
Since Hell Cat and I were just hanging and cuddling, and Hell Cat was responding to MS, we all wound up in a text storm. I was texting with MS talking about her trivia night; MS was texting Hell Cat about dinner and quesadillas. I don’t know about MS, but from our end, Hell Cat and I were laughing and having fun during the text storm. It seemed MS was too.
I was happy that MS had won her trivia and as she said, “Got to have fun with 4 sweet and cute geeky guys”, MS was happy that Hell Cat had enjoyed her home cooked dinner from me, Hell Cat was happy that we could all talk together and have fun. And, MS ended it with “You two need to stop texting me and go have fun”.
So we all said our good nights and Hell Cat and I went to bed and, yes, “had fun” 

That, to me, is what a good metamour experience should be like: Everyone getting along, liking each other and being happy.