Posts Tagged ‘sexuality’

Love is...image used with permission: (c) loveiscomix.com)

love is… or Poly is…

We’ve had some great poly moments that last few weeks. The other night was no exception and it made me think of the old “Love Is…” comics (http://loveiscomix.com/).
But instead, I thought “Poly is…”. In that night’s case MS and I were both in bed, ready to call it a night. I was texting with HC who was at a meetup, MS was texting with a new guy she just started seeing and they were planning a movie date. Since I have the Fandango app on my smartphone she asked me to look up movie times for several movies near us.

So in short, “Poly is…” helping your wife and her new fling find a movie for date night. Feeling good!

 

(Love is image used with permission: (c) loveiscomix.com)

Well my Fellow Fuckers, it’s been awhile. Work keeps fucking up my life! Going to try to get back in the swing of things here.

Well guess what? I came out as polyamorous to my mom and sister last weekend. I wasn’t so worried about talking about it to my sister. She’s pretty open since 3 of her cousins are gay, her best friend (a guy) is gay and was her “matron of honor” at her wedding.

Because of that I started my “outing” with her to try to gauge how our mom would feel. As expected, my little sis was fine with it. Actually, she is still upset that my son beat her to the punch at getting married and presenting our mom with the first (and second) great-grandchild.

So onto Mom…
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts she’s not exactly the open-minded sort. She’s your typical Bible-thumping, going to Hell, conservative so I was expecting a bit of a fight. Her comment was “Well, I don’t approve but your my son and I love you”.

I could have let it go at that but then she called my sister later on “crying” that she was “sad because of my life choices”.

Well Ms. Bible Thumper, I have a question for you. If your god created us in “his image” and created us as we are: straight, gay, lesbian, trans, poly, etc… then why is it “making a choice”? Why would he create us as we are and then hand down a set of rules that contradict how we are created? Seems a bit hypocritical to me to say “I’m going to make you gay, but don’t be attracted to men” or “You’re a sexual mammal, don’t have sex for pleasure”.

You want to believe a super natural being created the universe and all of us in it, that’s fine. But when you start imposing man-made structure around it and laws around how to live, or to dispute fact, then get the fuck out of my life.

This is the hardest breakup I’ve ever fucking dealt with. When I divorced my ex-wife 20 years ago there was so much animosity between us that it was a relief. When Diva broke up with me last fall, and I started this blog with the 30-day Fuck Challenge, there was a bit of pain, but mostly relief. When navy girl and I broke up in college, it hurt a hell of a lot and it took me a few months to get over it. But tonight, Hellcat and I broke up. We were 5 weeks away from celebrating one year since we first went out. I’m fucking devastated. Though that doesn’t even begin to describe it.

And the last words I heard: “If you don’t leave now, I’ll throw you out. The sight of me makes me want to throw up”.

On top of what I am feeling myself, I wish I knew how much pain Hellcat is in. As much as I’m hurting I know Hellcat is hurting too if not more so. I wish I could repair it. I wish I could fix it and remove all her hurt and pain.

It’s not because I’m a douche bag. It’s because I tried to fit a polyamourous relationship into a monogamous model. I tried to remain faithful to who I am while trying appease MS and fit pseudo-monogamous paradigms into polyamourous paradigms. What happened is that now matter how hard I tried, “the marriage” and the “primary relationship” based on MS’s rules always won. In the end, I made choices that made MS happy rather than myself or Hellcat happy and ultimately lost her trust and Hellcat.

I don’t know how fucking long it’s going to take to get over this. This is the 3rd longest relationship in my lifetime, and probably the most intimate right up there with MS.

I am so fucking emotional now; angry at myself for the choices I made, angry at MS for not understanding and for forcing those choices on me. And at the same time, feel like my whole world has collapsed. I invested so much in Hellcat to lose it so fucking fast.

The tears and sobs come and go. I want to make it better for her and me but can’t.

The other day I wrote about poly perks and some of the benefits of multiple, loving relationships. I ended it by talking about getting multiple Christmas and birthday presents.

Well, there’s a flip side to that as well. You know, GIVING multiple presents. HC and I shared an early Christmas before travelling back to TX to be with MS. I had already bought one present for MS and we went out and she picked another one out for herself.
I still have more to get but, I think you get the picture 🙂

So next year, yes, my birthday will be a little extra special. Fortunately, though, MS and HC’s birthday aren’t that close together. HC’s is Sep, MS’s is Nov. Plenty of time to celebrate with each. Lucky me!

Now, onto other matters. Seems like I have high blood pressure. The doc started me on meds a little over a month ago. I’ve been taking it as prescribed but lately HC has been asking me if I’ve been monitoring my BP to see if it has helped. (No, I’m not saying she’s nagging. She is concerned and I really like that feeling). But, I had not been home 30 minutes when HC texted MS asking about my BP and asking her to remind me to monitor my blood pressure. Yes, now I have two women reminding me to take my meds, monitor my BP! (No, I’m not really complaining or saying I’m being nagged. It actually IS a good feeling).

And, not only did HC talk to MS about my BP but also mentioned that she’d noticed a tremor in hand a few times. Which means aside from daily reminders to take my pressure, I’m also getting reminders (twice) to “go see the doc about that tremor”!

Don’t get me wrong, I love them both. In most relationships they guy (or girl) could easily see this as harping and nagging. I try to look at the positives rather than the negative. The way I see it, I’m just loved twice as much 🙂

Ciao my fellow fuckers!

Yep! You read that right Fellow Fuckers! Don’t worry, I’m not upset about it. It’s not that I don’t love my mom but… we just don’t agree on a lot of things.

She’s one of those ultra-conservative, right-wing religious types. Usually we butt heads over things like gay rights, same-sex marriage, etc. It’s not that I go out of my way to “push my liberal agenda” on her, but more from the aspect of replying to her when she posts something offensive on her Facebook page. One of the more recent was a “straight pride” meme. The picture was accompanied by a hetero couple, holding hands with the quip “If you are proud to me be a heterosexual, monogamous couple I dare you to post this”.
Underneath there was some fine print stating “95% of you who repost this will receive hate mail”.

Aside from her homophobic posts and rants, she also attempts to push her religious doctrine as well. There have been the “We need to push our congressional leaders to put ‘Under God’ back in the pledge”. I politely informed her that the US didn’t even have the Pledge of Allegiance until 1892 and not formally even adopted by the US until 1942. The phrase “Under God” was then added in 1954. Therefore, the US went “without God” as she believes, for 178 years. Then there are the daily reminders, usually via text, that “God loves me”, that I am “A child of God”, and that “We can find salvation through Jesus”.

Since I am more spiritual in nature and very philosophical, I asked her politely to stop sending me her religious indoctrination. That, unfortunately, sparked a huge debate (from her) about how being agnostic, or atheistic, or “open to other ideas and philosophies” was not how she raised me. Really mom? You raised me to be a closed-minded, unthinking automaton that accepts from the pastor without question? You raised me to not ask questions when things seemed contradictory? I mean, what the fuck?

So I guess it was about 2 or 3 weeks ago after she texted me another Bible quote that I responded with Om Mani Padme Hum and requested she repeat that over and over. Then I gave her the meaning, and how it was supposed to bring enlightenment, wisdom, compassion and understanding. Her response was “What’s your point”. At that time I was still getting her “I’m at IHOP with Riveroaks UMC Bible group”, “Remember, God loves you”.

Last night, I was out with my girlfriend for Halloween and sushi. We had cute costumes (my Jeff Lebowski/Dude outfit) and her in a sexy Army Pin-up girl (I mean sexy as fucking hell!). The restaurant was holding a costume contest and took pictures of people dressed up for their Facebook page. Yeah, that meant we’d be “outed in public” together. I asked her how comfortable she was about that (see yesterday’s post Polyamory and Consequences). She said she was fine with it so after the hostess took our picture, I also took pictures of us and posted a status update as well. I even tagged both of us so it was apparent that we were there together. I expected some backlash or comment from my mom since she Facebook stalks me frequently and makes snide comments (things like “Watch your tongue son” when I was in my “30-day Fuck Challenge”). So today? Nothing. Hmmm? That, and the fact that I hadn’t seen her ramblings in a while, got me thinking. I checked my friends list and guess what? Yup! She’s gone! I went to her page (it’s wide open and she does nothing to protect her privacy) and I was greeted with “You are not friends with her, send her a friend request”.

A little part of me is doing the happy dance! Fuck yeah!