So my Fellow Fuckers, I’ve decided this forum here is not the best location for the Douche-bag and Diva Chronicles. Therefore I’m moving then to their own space. As of today, the chronicles can be found on the Wall of Shame at http://douchebaganddivachronicles.wordpress.com.

 

I will still link to it directly from here. But, this will allow me to post on more public sites and maintain my anonymity here.

 

P.S. I need more submissions! If you have any dating disasters, dating site fails, please send them to me!

Chat  —  Posted: March 27, 2014 in Uncategorized

Hello my Fellow Fuckers! Go check out Mr. Bold in the Douche-bag/Diva Chronicles

Chat  —  Posted: March 19, 2014 in Douche-bags and Divas
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The Douche-bag and Diva Chronicles are off and running thanks to my friend in TX. Go check out Mr. Wonderful under the Douche-bag and Diva Chronicles my Fellow Fuckers!

Chat  —  Posted: March 19, 2014 in Douche-bags and Divas
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Hello my Fellow Fuckers! First off, a little housekeeping.. Sorry for the long absence. January and February have been just slightly hellish (actually no, they’ve been pretty fucking rough) with selling my house, packing it up and moving shit to storage not to mention doing the same with the apartment in Texas and moving all it’s fucking contents across country. Anyway, moving on…

I need your help my Fellow Fuckers! I am compiling a list of horrible, hideous, offending, outrageoDouchebagus, humorous and just plain baffling dating site messages. I mean, we’ve all had the “hey, call me” or other lame first attempts at contact. What I want are the ones that make you go “what the fuck!”. So send me your OKC, POF, Match.com, (whichever site you use) messages by commenting and let’s out these dicks, douche bags, bitches, assholes, and divas!

Thank you all in advance!

Image  —  Posted: March 14, 2014 in Fellow Fuckers, Relationships/Polyamory
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Me and my big fucking mouth! I’m in the midst of moving and I said one of the stupidest things I could have ever fucking said.

Actual fucking temperature!

Actual fucking temperature!

The buyers wanted to close today so I’ve been frantically packing up the house for the last several weeks. The plan was to get it all packed and staged, then on Groundhog Day/Super Bowl weekend, back the truck up to the house, load the fuck out of it and haul ass to storage. But the weekend before the move I commented to HellCat “Wow, I can’t believe it’s the end of January and there’s no snow on the ground”. Well Fuck My Life!

Thursday before the move it started to snow. And not the “ooh, there’s a 1/2 inch of pretty white stuff” that paralyzes any state south of the Mason fucking Dixon line. This was Colorado upslope, close to a foot of the white powdery kind of fucking snow! Then it got fucking cold.

What most people don’t understand about Colorado and snow and cold is this: It’s a DRY cold. And, unlike most of the country, once the sun comes out the snow just fucking disappears! But, I have a steep fucking driveway and half of it is shaded by these giant, fucking lodgepole pine trees.

So here I am last Saturday morning with my 17′ UHaul truck with rear-wheel drive and a 13% grade covered with snow. I’ve managed that daunting task before in my old front-wheel Escape but this was like trying to maneuver a snowboard with a giant box attached to the back of it UPHILL!

It took a plow, 180 pounds of salt and two days of sunshine (it never got above freezing the whole time) for enough of the snow to melt, sublimate, or just disappear before I could get the truck all the way up the driveway. I managed to get 2 loads in Monday. So thank you buyers from hell for needing to push out the closing date because there was no fucking way I was going to be completely out by today.

And guess what? That was the WARM period. It dropped to 14 below zero yesterday. That’s not Celsius my Fellow Fuckers, that’s Fahrenheit! I haven’t seen anything above 0 for almost 48 hours! But, I’ll take it. Unlike that southern state I grew up in, it’s only cold like this for a day or so which makes it tolerable. When it gets hot in that southern state, it doesn’t fucking cool off until November! It stays fucking hot for 6 months with little respite.

So yeah, it’s been a bit of a fucking pain in the fucking ass but that’s been more the snow than the cold.

 
Actual fucking temperature!

Chat  —  Posted: February 6, 2014 in The word "Fuck"
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Yeah, so everyone in my office must think there’s a professional football team in Denver or something. All I’ve seen in the office the last week or so are people in orange jerseys with the number 18  and the word Manning on the back. What the fuck? And there’s some fucked up media campaign called “United in Orange”. It must be something about that Netflix series “Orange is the new Black” cuz I swear half these people are acting like prison thugs.

Seriously, yeah, there’s this big football game this Sunday. And there is at least ONE professional team in it, the Seattle Seahawks. But who am I to talk. I grew up in Dallas. I’m a lifelong Cowboys fan. And they fucking suck! I am NOT a Jerry Jones fan. I think he has taken them down the road towards perpetual mediocrity. My neighbor, grew up in Reading (unlike the rest of us educated folks, they pronounce it “Redding”, past tense and all. What??? Like “Yeah, I redding (reading) that book a year ago”. It’s like some fucked up Zaphod Beeblebrox time travel future-past tense bull shit. The past tense is READ RED) and is an Eagles fan. Sorry, tangent, back to my original thought.

Anyway, we were talking about how fucked up our teams were and I’m giving shit to one of the “United in Orange” prison mongers and I come up with the idea that in order to fix crappy teams and bring REAL fucking parity to the NFL that Roger Goodell should implement a rule similar to that of the UEFA in that teams that don’t place in the top-tier get bumped down to a lower league, and that teams that finish in the top of the lower league get invited back up to the top-tier. That would hopefully get JJ off his high horse and focused on actually fucking WINNING rather than making an almighty buck.

Alas… I will remain a disappointed Cowboys fan until Jerry dies. Unfortunately, as any Star Wars nerd knows, the Sith Lord always has a Sith in training. So even when JJ dies there will be another incompetent fuckup to replace him.

Chat  —  Posted: January 31, 2014 in Random Fuck
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Just a bunch of random fucking shit today.

  1. If nothing seriously fucking negative happens then MS and I will be closing on our house in 2 weeks. That means I gotta have shit packed and ready to move by Ground Hog Day/Superbowl. Fuck me! The garage and basement are enough to give you the willies on a GOOD fucking day. Feeling a panic attack coming on
  2. Thanks for the feedback my Fellow Fuckers! The last few posts have provided me some excellent fucking motivation and inspiration. Keep it up! Now, between packing, dealing with all the fucked up shit in selling a house and trying to find another place to live, I might be able to squeeze in an hour or two of writing (a week?)
  3. Thank you Courtney at The Paris Review.  I’ve been contemplating ditching the Kindle eReader app on my smart phone and tablet since Journalist gave me the soft-copy paperback of The Glass Castle for Christmas. It was such a joy to have a physical book in my hands, smell the paper and ink, turn pages with my fingers and it brought back memories of all the physical books I’ve read in the past. Then I read Thoughts on Thoreau and that did it for me. I’ve also been talking with my friend BlueOwl who owns a book store in my neck of the woods. I’ve been feeling like eReaders and smart apps are killing the small, independent book store like hers. So all that said, no more eBooks for me
  4. Lots of shit happening this year. Last year, 2013, was the “Year of Change” for MS and me. This year’s mantra is “Experiences over things” or “The Year of Experiences”. Keeping with the spirit Thoreau’s Walden, part of that is “simplify, simplify, simplify”. Yeah, this fucking move is far short of simple but the end goal is this: make our lives simple and easy and work towards having more experiences
  5. Write! Write! Write! Did I make myself perfectly, fucking clear?

Thanks for letting me bend your ear my Fellow Fuckers!

Keep the feedback coming (positive AND negative so I can grow)!

Chat  —  Posted: January 23, 2014 in Fellow Fuckers
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There, I said it! Deal with it my Fellow Fuckers!

Just like I’ve embraced who I am as being polyamorous, I am embracing that I write. Do I get paid for it? Fuck no! Is it my career? Yeah, that’s not happening. But, I do love to write, and have, since I was in junior high school. In fact, my English teachers thought I’d be a writer one day. My favorite teacher even signed my yearbook as “To my future author”.
But it’s funny the curveballs life throws at you. In fact, most were thrown at me, close to my head. Other than a few that found their mark, left some nasty bumps and bruises, I’ve ducked and dodged my way to where I am now.
When I finished high school, my goal was to be a band director. Then I met my now ex-wife, Baby Mamma, who had a TRS 80 color computer II. It was still in the box and never opened. I spent the summer teaching myself BASIC and, drum roll please… Here I am today in my IT career.
My role the last few years has involved a lot of writing but it’s all technical writing. I’ve written white papers and content for database courses, written my own content for presentations at user group and community technical events, a few webcasts and, numerous presentations for executives while at my consulting job.
But it’s been in the last few years where I decided to pick back up on other styles of writing. Aside from this blog, I have another that I’ve reserved for mostly book and movie reviews. Additionally, I have several short stories in the works and in various stages of incompleteness. I also have some ideas for a novel. But, does that make me a writer?
MS bought me a book, about being a writer, for Christmas. I’m about 1/3 finished. But, what reading it has taught me is this: “if you write, you are a writer”. That’s another fucking point I’m embracing: I write and I enjoy doing so. Therefore, I am a fucking write!
Am I a good writer? I think so. That doesn’t mean there aren’t better and more prolific writers and authors out there. But I don’t fucking care anymore! I am a fucking writer! Therefore, I am embracing my penmanship, creative spirit, plugging in my keyboard and stocking up on pens, pencils and tablets.
And these are my tools: My laptop, my tablet and my handy-dandy notebook.  

Change

The notebook is really handy as I take down notes whenever an idea comes to me. I try to write as soon as I can, rather than wait for time. I feel my writing is
much better when I’m inspired and ideas are fresh.

When I’m inspired, and in the creative spirit, words fly from my fingertips with ease just like spells from Mickey’s wand in Fantasia.

Copyright Walt Disney Studios. Fantasia 1940

Just like this particular post. I started on it over a week ago. The first page and paragraphs came so easily and naturally. Then I got bogged down with work, moving, packing, and life. It progressed, stopped, started again haltingly like a teen driving their first manual transmission.
I have so many other topics on my mind that I had to finish this. I read the last few paragraphs I’d written and thought them total crap. It was time to revise, delete and chop. This, now, is my final draft. Am I completely happy? No! But, I finished it. It’s sufficient.

I guess I really am a fucking writer. I’m my own worst critic. Enjoy my fellow fuckers! And please, comment and give me some fucking feedback other than a “like”!

Chat  —  Posted: January 22, 2014 in Fellow Fuckers
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I was reading some comments in a poly discussion group. The question came up “Do you get upset when someone questions your ‘lifestyle’?”. That sparked the following question: “Is polyamory a lifestyle?”

It’s an interesting topic and question. I, for one, believe it’s part of who I am. I would say that it’s an identity. But, when MS and I first “decided to do poly” it was more of a lifestyle choice. Like some people are swingers, some people are fetishists and have their kinky side we felt like we were making a choice about how to live.

Guess what? Things did not go so well. We couldn’t find a community and did not know of any resources. All we had found at the time were several WiKi sites and some definitions about many of the terms.

Unicorn Nothing we found talked with or dealt with actually how to deal with issues like jealousy, envy, etc. We were given a pretty picture of unicorns and rainbows. Rainbow

Then two things happened: the wheels started to fall off in dramatic fashion, and my dad was diagnosed with cancer.

I needed time to deal with my dad and doctor visits and MS needed to end an unhealthy relationship so we decided to “take a break” and “not be poly”. But over time, that word kept creeping back into discussions. Unfortunately, I was travelling for work as well and just could not muster the energy to bring it back into our life even though I knew in my heart that I could not be, or was not meant to be, monogamous.

Shortly after my dad passed away, though, I had my own little emotional apocalypse. It started out as a little Jameson’s and diet Coke, then went to full-blown shots and ended with me shouting “I can’t be monogamous” (along with screaming, locking myself in the bathroom and several healthy doses of praying to the porcelain god that finished with dry heaves).

I was in a pretty fucked up situation, mostly in my head, and needed some space: Space to deal with these life changing events, space to think, space to find myself. Since I was still traveling and had practically no fucking concept of work/life balance the first step was to change jobs and eliminate the 90% travel. Over the next 6 weeks I finally found a position back in CO.

But like I said, I needed space. As MS and I discussed the job, moving again, I was reluctant to say what I really needed. But MS could sense it. She asked me if I wanted her to come back to CO with me. I had to break her heart. I had to rip it out and hurt her very badly. At that time, I could only say the most selfish thing in the world: “No. I need some time and space. I need to find myself. I need you to let me be me”.

And even though I broke her heart, she gave me my wings and I took the job and relocated by myself. And, I began to rediscover who I am; I discovered the horrible programming my parents did to me growing up, the bad communication styles they gave me. I began the process of redefining myself. I discovered how my I loved and missed MS and how I needed her in my life.

And, I discovered, I AM polyamorous. I embraced it. It is who I am. I reflected on my life and past relationships and saw a pattern. In high school and college I always wondered “Why do I have to choose one person?” I had crushes on several people. But, “rules” said I could only go out with one. If I was dating or going out with Cyndi but was interested in Debbie then I’d have to break up with Cyndi first. It never made sense.

The closest I came to living a poly lifestyle was in college. I was engaged to who is now my ex-wife but I was seeing Trumpeter on the side. Neither knew about the other so it can’t really be called polyamory. But, Trumpeter and I had what can only be called a friends with benefits relationship. It was the early 80’s and I don’t think the term fuck buddy was out yet but that’s what we had. We were friends socially but whenever we got together the sexual chemistry was through the roof. We’d call each other to “hang out”, play pool, or what not, but within 30 minutes we’d be in the sack having wild monkey sex.

As my wedding with my now ex loomed, Trumpeter and I knew we’d eventually end and it did once the wedding occurred. But even then, I fell in love with or had crushes on other women once I got married. Ultimately, my ex did too as after 6 years she started seeing an ex-boyfriend who had returned and we divorced.

Now, here I am, over 20 years later, married to MS, dating Hell Cat and embracing a polyamorous lifestyle. For me, the answer to the question that I started at the top is this: It is who I am. It’s part of me. I can only imagine it similar to someone who is gay. You can’t “pray it away”, or send me to a camp to condition it out of me. I am polyamorous.

Chat  —  Posted: January 14, 2014 in Relationships/Polyamory
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In my post on Thursday I wrote about the metamour experience from the night before. In it, I mentioned making my famous veggie quesadillas.

Well my Fellow Fuckers, if you’re interested, this is how I fucking roll!

  • 1 Large poblano pepper (sliced and chopped)
  • 1 Large white onion (chopped)
  • 1 clove garlic
  • 2 cups sliced mushrooms
  • 16 oz shredded cheddar, Monterrey jack (or your favorite) cheese
  • 1 to 2 oz butter (or margarine)
  • 1 Package 10″ flour tortillas
  • Salsa (your favorite brand)
  • Sour Cream (optional)
  • Guacamole (optional. But fucking seriously, who doesn’t want this tasty goodness? Stop reading now if you’re a fucking guacamole hater!)

Spray a non-stick skillet with an olive oil spray and heat. Cut the top off the poblano pepper and de-seed and de-vein. Cut into thin strips (I try to stay less than 1/4″ wide and no longer than 2″ long). Add to skillet. While pepper is sautéing, start chopping the onion. Add onion to skillet and continue  sautéing with pepper.

Finely chop or mince the garlic, add to skillet and continue  sautéing. While onions, pepper and garlic is cooking, slice the mushrooms. Add to the skillet with the butter. (I typically cook everything until the onions are a dark brown and caramelized. I personally caramelize the fuck out of the onions!). Remove from heat and set aside.

Depending on your skillet and spatula, the actual quesadilla can be made 2 ways.

Method 1 (smaller skillet and spatula) – Place single tortilla on skillet. spread vegetable mixture on one side of tortilla along with 1 to 2 oz. of shredded cheese. Cook tortilla about 1 minute until it’s soft and pliable. Fold in half. Continue cooking until cheese begins to melt. Flip tortilla and cook on remaining side until cheese is thoroughly melted.

Method 2 (larger skillet, spatula or Panini press/quesadilla grill) – Place single tortilla in skillet or press. Spread vegetable mixture over tortilla along with 1 to 2 oz. of shredded cheese. Top with additional tortilla. For the Panini press/quesadilla grill, close the top and cook one to two minutes until cheese is completely melted. If in a larger skillet, cook on one side for about 1 minute until the cheese begins to melt then flip the entire assembly and cook another minute. (This can create a huge fucking mess! That’s why I prefer method 1 above if you don’t have a press or grill).

Serve with sour cream, guacamole and salsa. For those who are so indulged, don’t forget to wash it down with a margarita!

Enjoy my Fellow Fuckers!

 

Chat  —  Posted: January 10, 2014 in Fellow Fuckers, Uncategorized
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